“No. This can’t be! This is not happening. I want to die”
These were some of the thoughts I had when I found out that I was pregnant AGAIN.
I was 22 and struggling, then this? “Life can be so unfair”, I said to myself.
My period was few weeks delayed but I tried to ignore the idea that I could be pregnant. I thought that it was impossible to happen (apparently not). But when I felt different, that’s when I had to check again.
I went to the mall together with my dad, mom and son as our usual family weekend – getaway. I did not want to prolong my agony. Hence, I bought a pregnancy kit.
I don’t really believe in signs, but that day I said to myself, “When I turn around and see someone pregnant, that’s a sign that I am too.” Of course I was praying not to see one. And would you believe it? The person right behind me was very, and I mean VERY pregnant. I just shove that sign and drank water so I can already test myself.
Inside the mall’s restroom…
I went out and my mom asked me if I was ok. I said yes and pretended that everything was fine.
Good thing my brother decided to follow us. That meant, we had 2 cars to use. I insisted to ride with my brother so I can tell him the truth.
Imagine a 2 – hour drive with me wailing non – stop.
I DIDN’T WANT THE BABY.
I questioned God’s plan for me. I was very honest with Him.
“God, why me? What have I done? Do you think this is funny? Do you think I love every bit of this? You know I can’t afford to have another child. You know my parents would be disappointed. You know I am not yet married. You know everything. Now answer, WHY ME?”
I was mad at Him. I was mad at everyone. I was mad at myself for having sex without protection. I was mad at my then boyfriend for doing it again. I just want the baby dead.
Of course I didn’t want an abortion. But I wished to have a miscarriage. That was my only escape.
The next day, I bled, a LOT.
I went to my OB and she was surprised to see me. Just a back story – When I gave birth to my son, she said that I should not get pregnant anytime soon, or else it would be very dangerous. I told her my condition and she asked me to undergo series of tests to ensure that the baby is safe. In my head I thought, “I don’t want the baby. Tell me that the blood means miscarriage.”
We went to the laboratory and had ultra-sound. Before that, I was drinking a lot of soda, thinking that it will make me bleed even more. Stupid, right? I was desperate. I was insane.
But everything changed when I first saw my 2nd child shown in that little monitor. Not that she was formed already or anything.
“That’s the hand forming. That’s the heartbeat”, the doctor said.
She was barely 6 weeks. I felt that my heart was crushed. I almost cried and the mother in me kicked in.
“I’m going to keep the baby.”
I realized, I was so selfish to blame other people. And I was so mean to have questioned God. It was my doing that brought me to this. I had to face it.
Since I was bleeding, my OB advised for me to take a bed – rest. In order to do so, I needed to tell my parents my condition.
Here we go again.
I went to my parents’ room and sat down.
“Ma, Pa, (3 – second silence) masusundan na po si Bien.”
I chose not to look at them. It was very painful for me. And as I type this, that same feeling comes back. To cut the story short, my dad didn’t talk to me for months. I perfectly understood why he did just that.
GET ME MY PEN AND NOTEBOOK
I had to get my pen and notebook not to write my sentiments, but to compute my salary and our ballooned expenses because of my pregnancy. After looking at the figures, all I could say was, “I’m screwed.”
Yes, I was earning ok, but it was not enough for me to save money for another baby. I had 3 jobs then. Two were online writing jobs, one was a part time real estate agent. Oh wait, I was selling whitening soaps and bags! You can call me, workaholic.
With my condition, I had to rest. I had to give up some of my jobs. That meant, there will be less inflow of cash to our pockets. Just so you know, working from home is exhausting too.
I cried several times because I didn’t know where to start. I had a growing son, and a growing baby bump. For a 22 – year old, unmarried woman, that was hard to handle.
YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS, TAKE THAT RISK
My mantra was, “I have surpassed one storm already, I think I am ready for another one.”
I tried to ignore all the negative thoughts that was in my head. That includes being broke, additional stretch marks, parked dreams among many others. Instead, I focused on things which I can accomplish even with my getting bigger belly.
As a real estate agent, my next goal was to become a licensed real estate broker. By being one, I can get huge commissions. I can only do that if I take the board exam. But before the actual exam, one has to attend several seminars. You need to stress yourself out memorizing laws, articles and codes.
Honestly, I have had reservations if I am going to take the exam. After all, I would be 6 months pregnant by then. Plus, it would require me to take long commutes to attend the review classes. Lastly, the only cash I had was my son’s savings. I kept my son’s money which he received during Christmas and other special occasions. In short, I will use his money for my review. I needed to make a choice. I needed to take a risk, which I did.
After 2 months of review and a failed mock exam, I was crying so hard. It was not certain if I am going to pass the actual exam. I prayed to God. I sincerely asked him to send his angels to guide me. I couldn’t afford to fail the board exam. I just couldn’t bear the thought that I might waste my son’s money for nothing. That was all I had.
I was in the car, eyes closed, when I prayed. Right after I opened my eyes, I saw a huge billboard saying “GOD WILL MAKE A WAY”.
I cried even harder.
Before the day of the exam, I didn’t study and I opted to have a relaxing shower. To my dismay, I couldn’t remember a thing from my review. I panicked and got my short reviewer. I held it but did not dare read it. I was exhausted. I prayed and just slept.
Examination day. I was so tired, so sleepy and so cold. If I can remember it correctly, for each set, I would be the last person to finish. I was a bit bothered. I thought, “Cheese and rice people, I am having a hard time answering this and you guys are already taking breaks?” I tried my best and finished at around 8:00 PM. I was the last examinee to have left the room.
I wasn’t happy. In my mind, I knew I was going to fail. Damn it.
Days passed by and we were all waiting for the result. I got tired checking the PRC’s website day after day, so I decided to just stop waiting and at the same time, stop expecting. I prayed once again to have enough courage to accept my fate.
And then I got a call from Ms. Doah (A real estate broker who took the exam a year earlier), “Barbara Anne Isla ang full name mo, di ba?” (Your full name is Barbara Anne Isla, right?). I said yes. What I heard next made me want to jump up and down. (Obviously, I cant – 6 months pregnant, remember?)
“Pasado ka BA.” (You passed BA)
I opened the website and saw my name.
Oh my gosh! I dropped the call and said to my parents, “Broker na ako!” (I’m a Broker!)
Oath – taking day came and I was strutting in a glamorous Filipiniana and wore 5 – inch heels. Add that to my huge baby bump. It felt great. In my head I was already dreaming of selling multiple properties. I was planning my family’s vacation. I was hoping for a new car, a nice house, condo units etc. Of course I had to park those dreams. It was time for me to take full rest as I was about to give birth a month after my oath – taking.
GOD, PLEASE PAY FOR MY BILLS
“What? Labor? This can’t be.”
It was June 2 when I felt the labor pains, which was not good because I was scheduled to undergo a Cesarean Operation on the 2nd week of the month. At the wee hours, we hurried to the hospital and waited for the doctor. They had to give me extra medicines for my asthma and minute after minute, I felt sleepy.
When I woke up, I saw my daughter. Beautiful. I actually overheard the nurses telling to my daughter how beautiful she is.
I laughed at myself for trying to get rid of such an angel. I made the right decision after all.
Unfortunately, she was not 100% well. She had infections and that meant expensive medical bills. I had to request private nurses to visit us at home. I just said, “God, I don’t want to stress myself over this. I know we’ll get by.” True enough, when I checked our savings, it was enough to cover the hospital bills. And if me memory serves me right, I received a commission from a sale that I made a year ago. It was very timely.
DO YOUR BEST AND GOD WILL DO THE REST
If there is one thing that I learned from this chapter of my life, it was to Trust God with all your heart and stop worrying. But remember, you have to do your part too. In my case, I don’t think I can pass the exam if I took it lightly. I studied hard and told myself that I am doing this for my kids.
Indeed, God will make a way. Dear, you might think that what you are going through is impossible to surpass, but remember that God has no limits. He can move a mountain in a snap. He can create a new world in a blink of an eye. He can make that problem disappear in just one breath.
Just do what is right, have good reasons for it and learn to trust His plans. After all, God’s plan is always beautiful.
OPENING ANOTHER CHAPTER
Before my daughter turned a year old, I decided to go back to the corporate world. I tried to find myself. But in the process of trying to explore, I hit huge rocks, tripped over, had bruises, which I will try to share with you on the next post.
BA is a young mom of 2 wonderful kids. She has high ambitions and would like to touch hearts. If you wish to write her a message, please send it to firstname.lastname@example.org